Hey
They say its a new day a new beginning,not in my case.Today was one of the worst days ever.I mean I don't know why am I still alive?if everyone has so many issues with me on every single thing than why can't HE put me to sleep forever,thats one thing I am asking for past so many bloody years.What shit have I done to people that I am the one who is discarded all the time.When I use to be friendly with people,nice to them,then also they stabbed me in the back and this time when I didn't bother what happened and what not because I was just too happy being with Avinash then also I was dumped and not only by the whole society but by Avinash.Today,he has friends ,he is happy,he is cooking chicken for the people I don't talk to,he has become heartless,he does not bother whether I go to the doctor or not inspite of the fact that I am not keeping well.Today morning when Shifu told me that he is not picking up nor is he replying to her messages I could not help but think of only one thing that now I am going to make my peace with everyone by quitting.I could not make sense of anything this afternoon,I was astonished at what he has become and what he was.I became very sure that now I am not going to live.I had the pills,the alcohol and I was pretty much sure about me cutting my vein,dats how terrible and small I felt about myself today,ki itni buri hu main ki jisse maine sacche dil se pyaar kiya usko aaj ye bhi farak nahin padta ki maru ya jiyu,I wrote a message too which is saved in the drafts of my phone which probably he will read once I am dead and will realise that my love for him is true.Shifu,Sagar everybody is telling me tan move on move ,he is not going to come back.Fine if he isn't il do whatever i wish to.I went to the doctor in the evening and she has called me back again tommorow cz she feels I have some major problem coming up.You know all this while when I didn't go to the doctor the one thing that i kept praying for is that i hope i have some life threatening disease and maybe by my not going to the doc it would kill me and thats how I will succumb to the sitiuation,but that didn't happen.I called him in the evening that i am asking for a big favor by coming with me to the doctor tommorow cz i told him that she has told me not to come alone.He enquired ,talked rudely but eventually agreed.I never thought I will stoop down to this level for being with him.What can I do to make him feel that I will not be able to sustain without him at all.Its not my fault,first all these times he said breaking up isnt the solution,i am not going to do it and then one day he did.I never had the say,he started it nad he ended it and all this while the whole world thought I am the Hitler,I overpower him,I am the Bitch.Day and night I just dream of one thing that I am on the verge of dying and he comes and meets me and then I am dead.This is what i wish for and want it very very soon,coz I know this would hurt my parents a little in the beginning by in the long run they will be happy that I am no longer there in their lives cz i have only inflicted pain in everybody's lives.I am a selfish,good for nothing person who never got what she wanted.Maybe cz she was never loved by the Almighty,she never did anything correctly,just a baggage on this earth,on everybody and nobody ever loved her ,they all pushed themselves to be fake towards me.
before I close for tonight I read this quote yesterday "Better to be a sinner,than a hypocrite".I always believed in it so did my mum and we both are still paying for doing this.She has been crying since the time she got married into my dad's family and i pretty much the same time ,maybe a couple of years less.Maybe nobody could see us happy,thats why we are dumped into shit.Nevertheless she always says that we will get our dues one day,don't worry.
take care.
P.S-When I will be gone,I would want Avinash to read all this so that he realises he was wrong.I want him to feel bad.
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