I have made my decision,I am not going to live.He had loads of fun with his friends and i rot here in hell.He tells every tom,dick and harry that he broke up with me while I still be optimistic that he will be back.Unfortunately I am not that lucky ,I have never been so it should not come as a surprise.I had popped in 25 odd pills last night with alcohol but here I am ,all alive.I think God wants me to rot in hell for the bullshit I have done.
I know of one thing,i can't live without him and i can't live with people making fun of me all the time.
I want to prove it to everybody that I am not a coward and I can take decisions.
I love u Avinash.I know ur happy without me but i am not.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
17th june 2010 23:05
Hey
They say its a new day a new beginning,not in my case.Today was one of the worst days ever.I mean I don't know why am I still alive?if everyone has so many issues with me on every single thing than why can't HE put me to sleep forever,thats one thing I am asking for past so many bloody years.What shit have I done to people that I am the one who is discarded all the time.When I use to be friendly with people,nice to them,then also they stabbed me in the back and this time when I didn't bother what happened and what not because I was just too happy being with Avinash then also I was dumped and not only by the whole society but by Avinash.Today,he has friends ,he is happy,he is cooking chicken for the people I don't talk to,he has become heartless,he does not bother whether I go to the doctor or not inspite of the fact that I am not keeping well.Today morning when Shifu told me that he is not picking up nor is he replying to her messages I could not help but think of only one thing that now I am going to make my peace with everyone by quitting.I could not make sense of anything this afternoon,I was astonished at what he has become and what he was.I became very sure that now I am not going to live.I had the pills,the alcohol and I was pretty much sure about me cutting my vein,dats how terrible and small I felt about myself today,ki itni buri hu main ki jisse maine sacche dil se pyaar kiya usko aaj ye bhi farak nahin padta ki maru ya jiyu,I wrote a message too which is saved in the drafts of my phone which probably he will read once I am dead and will realise that my love for him is true.Shifu,Sagar everybody is telling me tan move on move ,he is not going to come back.Fine if he isn't il do whatever i wish to.I went to the doctor in the evening and she has called me back again tommorow cz she feels I have some major problem coming up.You know all this while when I didn't go to the doctor the one thing that i kept praying for is that i hope i have some life threatening disease and maybe by my not going to the doc it would kill me and thats how I will succumb to the sitiuation,but that didn't happen.I called him in the evening that i am asking for a big favor by coming with me to the doctor tommorow cz i told him that she has told me not to come alone.He enquired ,talked rudely but eventually agreed.I never thought I will stoop down to this level for being with him.What can I do to make him feel that I will not be able to sustain without him at all.Its not my fault,first all these times he said breaking up isnt the solution,i am not going to do it and then one day he did.I never had the say,he started it nad he ended it and all this while the whole world thought I am the Hitler,I overpower him,I am the Bitch.Day and night I just dream of one thing that I am on the verge of dying and he comes and meets me and then I am dead.This is what i wish for and want it very very soon,coz I know this would hurt my parents a little in the beginning by in the long run they will be happy that I am no longer there in their lives cz i have only inflicted pain in everybody's lives.I am a selfish,good for nothing person who never got what she wanted.Maybe cz she was never loved by the Almighty,she never did anything correctly,just a baggage on this earth,on everybody and nobody ever loved her ,they all pushed themselves to be fake towards me.
before I close for tonight I read this quote yesterday "Better to be a sinner,than a hypocrite".I always believed in it so did my mum and we both are still paying for doing this.She has been crying since the time she got married into my dad's family and i pretty much the same time ,maybe a couple of years less.Maybe nobody could see us happy,thats why we are dumped into shit.Nevertheless she always says that we will get our dues one day,don't worry.
take care.
P.S-When I will be gone,I would want Avinash to read all this so that he realises he was wrong.I want him to feel bad.
They say its a new day a new beginning,not in my case.Today was one of the worst days ever.I mean I don't know why am I still alive?if everyone has so many issues with me on every single thing than why can't HE put me to sleep forever,thats one thing I am asking for past so many bloody years.What shit have I done to people that I am the one who is discarded all the time.When I use to be friendly with people,nice to them,then also they stabbed me in the back and this time when I didn't bother what happened and what not because I was just too happy being with Avinash then also I was dumped and not only by the whole society but by Avinash.Today,he has friends ,he is happy,he is cooking chicken for the people I don't talk to,he has become heartless,he does not bother whether I go to the doctor or not inspite of the fact that I am not keeping well.Today morning when Shifu told me that he is not picking up nor is he replying to her messages I could not help but think of only one thing that now I am going to make my peace with everyone by quitting.I could not make sense of anything this afternoon,I was astonished at what he has become and what he was.I became very sure that now I am not going to live.I had the pills,the alcohol and I was pretty much sure about me cutting my vein,dats how terrible and small I felt about myself today,ki itni buri hu main ki jisse maine sacche dil se pyaar kiya usko aaj ye bhi farak nahin padta ki maru ya jiyu,I wrote a message too which is saved in the drafts of my phone which probably he will read once I am dead and will realise that my love for him is true.Shifu,Sagar everybody is telling me tan move on move ,he is not going to come back.Fine if he isn't il do whatever i wish to.I went to the doctor in the evening and she has called me back again tommorow cz she feels I have some major problem coming up.You know all this while when I didn't go to the doctor the one thing that i kept praying for is that i hope i have some life threatening disease and maybe by my not going to the doc it would kill me and thats how I will succumb to the sitiuation,but that didn't happen.I called him in the evening that i am asking for a big favor by coming with me to the doctor tommorow cz i told him that she has told me not to come alone.He enquired ,talked rudely but eventually agreed.I never thought I will stoop down to this level for being with him.What can I do to make him feel that I will not be able to sustain without him at all.Its not my fault,first all these times he said breaking up isnt the solution,i am not going to do it and then one day he did.I never had the say,he started it nad he ended it and all this while the whole world thought I am the Hitler,I overpower him,I am the Bitch.Day and night I just dream of one thing that I am on the verge of dying and he comes and meets me and then I am dead.This is what i wish for and want it very very soon,coz I know this would hurt my parents a little in the beginning by in the long run they will be happy that I am no longer there in their lives cz i have only inflicted pain in everybody's lives.I am a selfish,good for nothing person who never got what she wanted.Maybe cz she was never loved by the Almighty,she never did anything correctly,just a baggage on this earth,on everybody and nobody ever loved her ,they all pushed themselves to be fake towards me.
before I close for tonight I read this quote yesterday "Better to be a sinner,than a hypocrite".I always believed in it so did my mum and we both are still paying for doing this.She has been crying since the time she got married into my dad's family and i pretty much the same time ,maybe a couple of years less.Maybe nobody could see us happy,thats why we are dumped into shit.Nevertheless she always says that we will get our dues one day,don't worry.
take care.
P.S-When I will be gone,I would want Avinash to read all this so that he realises he was wrong.I want him to feel bad.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
June 16th 2010 Day 1 11.35
Hi
Well I was suppose to start writing yesterday but somehow I didn't coz of office.Today too I am in my office at Hewitt Associates,on the 6th floor.The weather is awesome outside,just perfect to be with some one you actually want to be with.
I have been planning to write for quite some time now to jot down the sudden rush of emotions that come through.
Anyways so I was listening to his song yesterday "please don't leave me" by PINK which made me reaslise that Tan(dats what ppl call me as) Common man! you arent that bad that you can make things right.I mean ya I would take some time to get evrything back on track but whats life then?without tons and tons of hurdles.So ya right now I am no longer in talking terms with any of my "so called" friends here in gurgaon,Agam(we were in college together,one of my closest friend)has gone to Dubai for her internship,Shifu(again one of my closest college friend)is back home and can't come visit coz aunti is not keeping well and Avinash(my only bestest friend and boyfriend)broke up with me 3 weeks back which I still dont believe is true.Exactly one month back it was my birthday everything was fine ,we were happy and then bham!!evrything feels so empty,like a hole in my heart which cannot be healed..not very soon that I am very sure of.He has been handling this all really well,he is already over me I think coz he is all happy (can see from his FB updates,thats my only source of information) and now I dread maybe he has fallen for somebody else and i pray that its not true coz yesterday he has mentioned something of this sort that he is in a very good mood today and had put up those lovey dovey videos .:'(.He had told me that now he will never get into a relationship again nor will he trust anybody,don't know what this all is.Its like vicious circle and I am the centre of all the problems.Trust me when I say that,I am actually in some deep shit.Everyday when I get up I promise myself that I will be happy today,I wont cry,I wont think negative cz my heart still says I and Avinash will be back again cz we are meant to be together despite of the fact that my head tells me no tan he is not coming back coz he has moved on and he has some great self control wherein there are minimal chances that I am going to be happy again.I get so agitated and desperate at times that i search for stupid things online through which i can get him back or can remove the root cause to the whole problem,thatis ME.
I know nobody is going to read this shitty life story of mine but yeah i will atleast be relieved that I took evrything out of my system and wrote it somewhere.The worst part is I am one person who cannot stay alone,I am always surrounded by people cz I just love being in company of them,but yeah Avinash is one person who completes me through and through.He always gives me this sense of security which only family can.
For today i think i will stop at this,but before that do listen to the song i mentioned,if somebody evr reads it.I know everyone in this world has had heartbreaks or has loved some one very truly.
P.S-As i start off my story you will get to know all the characters,friends,family,acqauintances everybody,coz i am one chatter box who does not stop very easily.:-)
I hope this is a starting of something good for me,I know i can be self centred but ya i want to be happy again.
Well I was suppose to start writing yesterday but somehow I didn't coz of office.Today too I am in my office at Hewitt Associates,on the 6th floor.The weather is awesome outside,just perfect to be with some one you actually want to be with.
I have been planning to write for quite some time now to jot down the sudden rush of emotions that come through.
Anyways so I was listening to his song yesterday "please don't leave me" by PINK which made me reaslise that Tan(dats what ppl call me as) Common man! you arent that bad that you can make things right.I mean ya I would take some time to get evrything back on track but whats life then?without tons and tons of hurdles.So ya right now I am no longer in talking terms with any of my "so called" friends here in gurgaon,Agam(we were in college together,one of my closest friend)has gone to Dubai for her internship,Shifu(again one of my closest college friend)is back home and can't come visit coz aunti is not keeping well and Avinash(my only bestest friend and boyfriend)broke up with me 3 weeks back which I still dont believe is true.Exactly one month back it was my birthday everything was fine ,we were happy and then bham!!evrything feels so empty,like a hole in my heart which cannot be healed..not very soon that I am very sure of.He has been handling this all really well,he is already over me I think coz he is all happy (can see from his FB updates,thats my only source of information) and now I dread maybe he has fallen for somebody else and i pray that its not true coz yesterday he has mentioned something of this sort that he is in a very good mood today and had put up those lovey dovey videos .:'(.He had told me that now he will never get into a relationship again nor will he trust anybody,don't know what this all is.Its like vicious circle and I am the centre of all the problems.Trust me when I say that,I am actually in some deep shit.Everyday when I get up I promise myself that I will be happy today,I wont cry,I wont think negative cz my heart still says I and Avinash will be back again cz we are meant to be together despite of the fact that my head tells me no tan he is not coming back coz he has moved on and he has some great self control wherein there are minimal chances that I am going to be happy again.I get so agitated and desperate at times that i search for stupid things online through which i can get him back or can remove the root cause to the whole problem,thatis ME.
I know nobody is going to read this shitty life story of mine but yeah i will atleast be relieved that I took evrything out of my system and wrote it somewhere.The worst part is I am one person who cannot stay alone,I am always surrounded by people cz I just love being in company of them,but yeah Avinash is one person who completes me through and through.He always gives me this sense of security which only family can.
For today i think i will stop at this,but before that do listen to the song i mentioned,if somebody evr reads it.I know everyone in this world has had heartbreaks or has loved some one very truly.
P.S-As i start off my story you will get to know all the characters,friends,family,acqauintances everybody,coz i am one chatter box who does not stop very easily.:-)
I hope this is a starting of something good for me,I know i can be self centred but ya i want to be happy again.
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